I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
