My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
