Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
