You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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