I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
