just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
