Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
