LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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