I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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