I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
