A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My ass is underappreciated
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
