She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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