After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
