Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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