I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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