And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
