it was like his penis was on wheels.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
