do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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