I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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