Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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