saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
There are leaves in my underwear?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
