you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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