true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
