return my video game
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
