I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
