I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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