Pants 0. Shit 1.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Pants are for mortals
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
