I'm really into asian looking animals
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
