i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize