True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
