Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You ruined the universe
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
