Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
