OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
