can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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