I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
