Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize