she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
