My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
