just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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