my phone needs a breathalizer
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
