I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I checked into jail on foursquare
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
