I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
