Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
