yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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