he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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