JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Someone stole a lamp last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
