If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
