Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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