I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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