i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
