Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
