literally had 100 drinks last night.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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