he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
