I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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