That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
