you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
