I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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