my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize